see the world in black and white

im mona and i live in a dream world. im a dear lover of the uncomfortable, awkward, stilted, and uncanny. this site is to compile all that i love in the world and blend in alongside it as something just as uncomfortable awkward stilted and uncanny :) ive been blogging and compiling for years now, and i hope you enjoy what ive found and what i adore.

as long as ive used the internet, ive aspired to cultivate myself; my image, into something exciting and beautiful. ive been shaped by my time here, allowed it to mold me instead of me molding myself. and i dont think this is wrong for me, but i hope this site can serve as a way to grow into something much more honest, more perverted, more uncomfortable for the people around me. i see the beauty in that kind of aspiration, in the way the web and everything on it can shape me same as it would if i had experienced it in real life. i want you here with me, let me show you who i am and who i can be and let me see the same of you （。々°）i love you and the terrible people we can be together.
i wont let you down, youre my friend.

7/14/24 this will be the first official "update" for this page, and its contents. i plan to treat this website like my own diary and personal informational archive; sharing updates from my life and information about the stuff i love, be it in review format or just a desperate throwaway to try and get somebody interested. ive become slowly interested in the pirating/old web culture, and my interest in any modern social media has waned as my frustration with censorship has grown. im a fan of pornography and old movies first and foremost, and this has been the driving point of my very small dvd collection. i enjoy dvds a lot, and as many other dvd collectors can attest to in this day and age, it feels incredible to hold something in your hands that you know for certain You Own; that you can watch as many times as you want and nobody can hide it behind a paywall. ive particularly enjoyed procuring dvds of obscure japanese shows, ones where i cannot even find torrents of them online. theres a very specific kind of selfish satisfaction in it, when i can watch something like that and know im probably one of hundreds in the world that still has dvds of it. im still learning how it would be possible for me to burn these dvds and create torrents of them, but i will when im able to.

i have numerous plans for both the look of this site and its various sidepages, and i promise with time itll look a lot better than it currently does; but i need an outlet more than anything, so thatll remain the focus for now and ill come back and tweak things as time goes on. primitivity can be exciting, can it not :)? enjoy the possibility of new things that look a little ugly and unpolished; theres not much of it left!

8/7/24 social media is slowly killing me, and i keep coming back to think about what can be done for this site, and how i should work on it, but i still feel creatively stifled and unsure of myself. its hard to feel free when ive spent my whole life scared! i have so many options, and so much limitless freedom, and its overwhelming in its intensity. ive spent more time lately on more obscure sides of the web, and thinking about just how many people out there use the internet beyond social media, how many old sites and message boards and old games are left behind. its inspiring and depressing at the same time. im sure other people wonder if their sites and internet places will be found, used, appreciated, if theyre ever going to be again or if theyll just be left behind. im sure i dont really have to worry about things like that, but if you dont have a social media following in this day and age, the things you make will most likely end up remaining underground. i guess thats fine for me though, nothing suits me better than niche. ill have fun my own way. some short term plans for the site include a dedicated diary log, an art page (for others, not myself, not yet lol), and some more work on review pages and shrines.

11/25/24 things have been hard. things are always hard, life isnt easy to push through and its worse when you feel stuck in what you do and who you are. you wonder where things are going, what the hell any of the shit you do is for; and ill tell you right now - theres no point to it. its 5 days before my 24th birthday now, ive spent the past couple months swinging back and forth between some of the highest highs and lowest lows, allowing myself all of it as much as possible. all feelings i can get my hands on, thats exactly what i want. i want despair, and hope and joy and loneliness and sorrow and arousal and fear and elation. i love listening to my music, writing what i like and delving into all of it with my whole heart. hyeju asked on one of those stupid kpop idol apps what id like to achieve next year, and i hadnt thought about it before i saw that message; i never actually think enough about the future to make any plans. id like to work on this site as much as i can, and go to another state, i want to see and feel as much as possible. i dont know what the future holds for me, and even when i want to have hope it doesnt feel possible. what can i do? what is there to be done but keep living.

when you think about idols, its all in the name isnt it. you want to be like them, at least to some degree - you want the freedom and the passion and the drive, to have something to keep going for. thats all i really want in this world, to have something to do. i need something to keep myself going. maybe my birthday will bring about something new, maybe ill find something to start really living for, if not life alone. the new year will bring new movies, new music, new things to see and feel and walk into. theres a new sun rising, and its shining light on everything in this world. for better and for worse, i guess.